I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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