so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
