I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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