I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
