I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
