I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
