I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
