Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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