she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
