Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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