I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
