just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
