gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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