do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
