4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
