You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
