I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
