not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
