I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
