I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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