I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
