I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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