hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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