Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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