I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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