I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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