Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
