I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
