i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
