I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
