I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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