life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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