my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
