I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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