Where are you?
In a non slutty way
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
