soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
