did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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