she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
