Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
