I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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