The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
