was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
