he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
