Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
