Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
