I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
