I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you didnt know i had herpes?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
