Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
