i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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