pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
