My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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