Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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