I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
