I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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